3G - Day 9

Weight: 200.4#

Up again. Feeling bad about it. Ate too much again today. Lotta roast chicken. Way more than needed. Plus fries. Why do this to myself?

Stop. Fucking. Around.

Helping:

Miss M kicking my ass

Biggest Loser inspiration

Not Helping:

Bad food choices

Eating said bad food

Feeling:

Frustration, depression, disappointment. Gaining sucks. Being in the 200+ again sucks. If it sucks so much, why do I make the decisions? Trade what I want for what I want right now. No. Bad me.

What's different about this time?

That is a question (more or less) that was asked on the xweighted site back in January. What is different about this time around? What will make this time different, so that the outcome (failure) will be different?

At the time, I didn't have a good answer, and thus far, that lack of an answer has proven true. Nothing has been different. And nothing has changed.

So, with my mind a-whirl on the idea of maybe, finally, kinda, sorta, losing some weight, I am forced to ask myself this question. And forced to give myself an answer. Without one, there is no sense in declaring an intention to lose weight.

Desire simply isn't enough. There has to be intent. There has to be will. There has to be committment.

Hopefully, I will have an answer for myself soon.

Fat guy!

That's me. The fat guy.

A bit of history, 'cause I can. Around 10 years back, I was out of school, and started to gain some weight. Just a bit, then a whole bunch. Maxed out at around 240 to 250 pounds. Didn't like it, so I dieted and tried to do more workout stuff.

Over time, with many trials and errors, I have managed to hit a low of 175 pounds. That was several years ago. Since then, the weight has bounced between 180 and 200 pounds.

Weight and I have been enemies for a long time. Nearly 10 years of trying to keep myself where I am comfortable, but also not starving.

I am currently just about 216 pounds, and have very recently been as high as 220. I don't like it. I want to change it. But, I need to find a way that is both constructive, and also cheap.

I do know of bodyweight things I can do. All I need, is just to start doing them. Squats, push ups, jumping, walking, running, and whatever else I can do to be physically active.

With that, I need to start really watching what and how much I put in my mouth. That's crucial, and also very difficult for me. Still, if I am to make any progress, I need to get started.

So, this is , more or less, a message to myself. Time to get started. Time to stop dallying about and actually get on with it.

Blogging...

Right... while the blog is supposed to be about my goals for fitness and whatever else I'm doing, I feel that I may have to sidetrack things to come around to blogging a bit about Germany. Now that I'm here, I'm afraid is really is a pretty significant diversion. So, expect a bit of rambling on it.

As far as fitness goes, I've really backslid on that. I pretty much dropped the whole 100 days thing, and stopped eating at all well. Went back on cola, and stopped doing anything that could constitute fitness in the least.

I am considering a gym here, which shouldn't be too expensive on a per month basis. But I won't even think about that until the month starts. Until then, I'm trying to eat better, cook better, and also get myself sorted out a bit.

Walking and hopefully getting back on the bike soon.

I'm apparently about 15km from Mannheim - so I could probably ride that distance without too much trouble - assuming there's a good route between here and there.

100 days of fail

Totally bailed on the 100 days. No gym, bad food, bad feelings. Generally sucking at life.

For now, I'm going to abandon this, and try to not eat everything I see. Doubtful that'll work.

A bit of here and there

I haven't been following any of my plans for fitness.

Months ago (nearly 4 months at this point). I signed up for the gym. I went for a while. Then stopped. Then went again, then took 3 months off. I suck.

Since then, I've gone from around 193# to my present weight of about 212#. Yes, that's 20 pounds in just about 4 months. FUCK.

I've said to myself that I wouldn't mind being heavier - if I was fit. But I don't feel fit. In fact, I feel really unfit and flabby.

I haven't even been biking. At least then I was doing something. At least then I was getting some serious mileage laid down. I mean, a month or so ago I was polishing off the 450th kilometer in a 30 day period. That's pretty good mileage for a guy that doesn't do anything. Now? 0. Nothing. Not even a little bit.

What is it about me that keeps me in this stupid cycle? I really don't know.

I do know that I don't like the weight I'm at now. Few of the clothes I have now fit me. They're too small. Know why? 'Cause I got down to 185# and told myself that I would never again crack 200. Fuck me. I'm pushing towards 215 at this point. Honestly. How can I do this to myself?

I don't want to set any lofty goals. Anything I put down here will be like a mouthful of sand to me. Still, I can't get by without some kind of goal - some form of direction.

Thus: By the end of October, I want to weigh in at under 200#. That's 10# in 6 weeks.

Yes, that is pushing it. But it is totally possible. Only one way to do it, though. And that is to get off my ass and start working out. Hard. And lots. And also, I must stop eating so much junk.

I hereby put forth my standard diet and exercise plans:

The Stop Eating So Damn Much Diet, and the Get Off Your Fat Ass and Do Something workout plan.

I commit myself to doing this, starting today. I'm gonna need some help.

Nothing...

Ok... so after my overnight ride, I haven't touched the bike at all. Dunno quite why. Think I psyched myself out there somehow.

I haven't hit the gym either.

And I eat terribly. Vegetables? What?

So, yeah. I'm a bit over 205# right now, which isn't into the range of unacceptable... but it's really close. I'm not happy with it. But I'm not really doing anything about it either.

I've got to do something to change the way I interact with food.

Thoughts on workouts

I've always been pretty good about writing or telling people about my successes. I think most people are. We want recognition for the things we've done. Besides, a little praise is a great motivator.

I've been less good about telling people about the problems I have. I don't mean about injuries or physical limitations - I'm pretty good about telling people about those. Rather, I mean telling people about the things I didn't do, like when I skip a workout, or when I make a workout easier than it should be for myself. I'm also bad about telling people about the poor choices I make when it comes to food. Like, buying a dozen large cookies and eating them all myself. Or buying a carton of ice cream and simply sitting down with it and a spoon and eating until I don't feel like I want ice cream any more.

Well, this post is hopefully the start of a change for the better. I'd like to be a bit more open about my failings, and not just my successes.

As a starter, today was a pretty good day. I got a bike ride in this morning. I got to the gym this evening, even though I rode. I had intended to do some squats, but chickened out of them, and made up an all arm day workout instead. On the food side of things, I picked fries over rice or salad, and I bought myself a carton of ice cream - though I didn't eat that much of it.

I'd like to make some changes in the way I eat. I know I'm not very good at making the healthy choices. I also know that the best way to make healthier choices is to have healthy food around. Nothing that could be considered unhealthy. I'll have to go through the kitchen and clear things out. I'm already eliminating the trash from the rest of the house, I might as well carry on through there too.

Off wagon

So I fell off all the wagons I was on. Diet, exercise, everything.

To sum up, I'm eating poorly again, and haven't been exercising.

I'm getting back to it all again though.

I got to the gym on Monday and did 25 minutes on the treadmill at an average pace of about 5.8.

I also got out the bike and have been trying to ride that more as well.